Category: Uncategorized

Oil on Wood panel, knife and brush

Photos and Painting By Kim Blenkhorn

I’m in the early stages of cleaning out my life, closets, drawers, entire rooms full of bins, pictures and dried up tubes of paint. For an old house with very little storage we sure do have a lot stored. I say, we, my husband would correct me. It’s not we, it’s me. i save everything! I’ve started with my “art studio”, which is really a spare room, which is really a storage room with a desk in the corner. I’m not sure if this is the right timing. My youngest is headed to college in four weeks and that comes with all sorts of crisis and to do lists. i don’t have time for this, but my inner something is telling me, screaming at me, it is time. in reality I need something to do and I’m so ready to throw things out, reset and unburden myself from the years and years of collected things.

I know I’m not alone. Humans seem to have a supernatural ability to collect things, hoard gather and save. lets be honest, most of us just don’t want to let go of things, people, memories, money, time…or else we don’t know how?

but it’s so natural, letting go is built into our anatomy for our good. Think of how the human body functions, it naturally lets go every single day and sometimes twice if your regular. It pushes out all the un-useful stuff and we are left healthier and happier. we get rid of all sorts of stuff with or without our approval, we cry, we cough, we vomit, we blow our nose, as women we shed our uterus lining every 30 days, we get rid of tissues and cells routinely, we even get rid of air trapped in our bellies. When we purge what we don’t need, we are free to enjoy all the more what we have. We must purge things we no longer need, things that will reak havok and disease if they remain; Cleansing is necessary for life and vigor. How can my body be so smart? My colon knows what is useful and what is freeloading and harmful in three hours and it has taken me 20 years and I’m still paralyzed with indecision about what should stay and what should go.

I don’t know why I have saved so much stuff. I don’t know why I struggle even now after 20 years of not using things why do i hold on? what is so important about that octopus Hannah made when she was 11? . My mentor said, “Kim when you begin to clean out your going to find yourself.” i hope to God she’s right. maybe i am in there somewhere hidden behind all the lost hopes and unpublished words and thoughts in my crusty journals.

I’m hoping I’ll find what is holding me back and toss it aggressively in the trash.

I’m hoping I’ll clear my mind and heart and desk and start over again.

I’m hoping that in the mess and remnants of the past I will find the reason I kept all that stuff in the first place.

and i wonder is this what my brain looks like, my hormones my inner makings, my past? What is this cleanout really about?

the blissful imagination is that i get cleaned out and have a beautiful art studio and writing lab when finished to think clearly and neatly and stay on task and become a famous artists someday. Ok maybe that’s a stretch

But even if i can just get through the cedar chest loaded with baby clothes blankets and stuffed bears that will be good and helpful. I was going through it today. I am truly ready to get rid of some stuff. Some stuff I’m happy I kept, like a tiny baseball glove that Joel wrote his name on with a backward J. A little pair of worn baby blue slippers, a tiny bathing suit and Mr Moose. i don’t need 50 onesies. i can see that now.

but when i step back and look i realize, I have covered myself with the things I haven’t known how to let go off. I have built a fortress of things. These things represent more than what meets the eye. They represent hopes, ideas, comforts, joys, victories, strengths, memories, hardships and loves. They are me all parts of me, my voice, my fears, my life. and some things i ought to keep and some i ought to toss and that is what my friend means, I’m going to find myself in the midst of all the clutter of my life. perhaps i have saved it for this very moment of organizing. Perhaps for this moment of seeing that i have been a good mom, a faithful servant, a helpful wife and a honoring daughter. i am surrounded by a slew of material items that i can finger slowly and see who i have been and more important who I want to be. I wanted to wait until i had time to really see myself in all the collected things. I didn’t want to say goodbye to soon or in haste. I needed to wait until this moment.

I keep things because no one kept my things and how i would love to thumb through some of my baby clothes or toys or books and remember and know someone cared about me.i want evidence that I was important and what was important to me was important. i wanted someone to save my childhood, but the truth is my childhood wasn’t worth saving. Not one doll, not one book not one pair of shoes. I never want to throw away my kids things, paintings, treasures, homemade cards and toys because i never want them to believe that what is or was important to them isn’t important. maybe someday there future will be more valuable and defining their their past and then they can throw these things away. but until then I want them to know they were important and the things they loved were and are important because they bear their fingerprints. They were valuable enough to remember. They were loved desperately and tenderly and they are so incredibly important.

so maybe its really all about them. I don’t need this stuff and they say they don’t need it or want it and deep down i know even if i get rid of it life will go on and they can still be successful and happy one day. But no really It’s not about letting go of their baby clothes and their middle school art projects, it’s about letting them go. It’s about letting them fly and letting myself move on. Maybe that is why my inner voice is telling me to let go now, clean out now, because my baby who isn’t really a baby is going in four weeks weather or not I’m ready. and I need to be ready. I need to let go.

My older sister has an entire bookshelf of her youngest sons “things” ceiling to floor. Little toys he made, favorite stuffed bears pictures, pins, trinkets books. Its like a shrine. What value does it bring him, what does it do for her. How is it keeping him or them tethered to the past? Why do we collect things we love, why do we struggle to let go of things that were meaningful to us? and do we need to get rid of the past before we can move on, before we can be healthy and happy and true to our purpose.

Once I learn to let go of the past and the things that keep me from making decisions, I am going to be a better artist and a better writer. In essence that is what art is all about. it’s not really about adding, it’s about taking away. It’s about editing, It’s about knowing what to keep and what to erase or chisel away or scrape, what adds value and meaning , what muddies the image and what makes it beautiful and interesting.

Keep going because, as artists, what other option do we have? If we stop, we cease creating artwork then we feel like fakes.  If we stop half way through we will never finish that painting or that drawing or that sculpture.  The fear of rejection and disappointment and “not good enough” are powerful enemies that keep me from the finish line, whatever that line may be on any given day; the painting, publishing the post, finishing the chapter, putting the for sale sign up. there are a hundred ways I convince myself to stop before the conclusion. It holds me back and keeps me from moving forward improving conquering winning succeeding.

I’m in two art classes presently, watercolor on Tuesday and palette knife on Wednesday. It feels like learning two languages simultaneously. This week I had a little melt down in palette knife and scrapped my painting. “I’m a fraud” I told my husband. “I’m not a real artist because I’m not consistently good, and I never went to art school and I wasn’t able to deliver…again! The reality is I didn’t push through. I was afraid of the outcome or the failure but in essence that was a failure because I didn’t produce anything. Beginnings are easy and exciting for me, middles are hell, and the end, if I can get there, is satisfying. But when I don’t finish, I feel like I’m a fraud a wannabe artist a failure.

But we learn more from our failures then our wins. And I learned something valuable. I don’t see small things like cherries and mushrooms well from a distance. Now that I know I can adjust. I also learned I don’t like to paint food- I can ignore that, and keep trying until I learn to paint food better and It’s really hard working with different mediums simultaneously – but again with practice and hard work I can improve. I learned that I need to remember when I’m struggling to keep going because I can’t let the fear of disappointment control me or dictate my efforts and work.

Knowing these things about myself can make me a better artist if I’m willing to adjust rather than give up. if I learn to push through the hard stuff the meltdowns and the learn from failure. If I only do what’s comfortable and not what challenges I am doomed to live within my own limited and dysfunctional habits, routines and understanding. Avoiding painting “still life” will never help me learn to paint still life, even though it may prevent meltdowns. But my goal should not be to create a sterile environment that keeps me from tantrums. The goal ought to be to continually place myself in situations that trigger the tantrums and meltdowns so I can learn how to conquer them, how to rise above them, what is not working, where I am needing to adjust my attitude, my techniques and my skillset.  My inner meltdowns reveal a need to learn how to function more like an artist and less like a child.

Joy comes in stretching ourselves beyond what we think we can do. It’s like faith. Stepping out of the comfort zone doing hard things sticking with the painting, not giving up, finishing my race and somewhere in the finishing I win even if I come in last, that is the place I succeed.

I don’t like to finish. I get bored. Its harder for me, but God wants me to complete things I started. Its not all about the fun in life which is beginning new things for me its about the hard work the elbow grease the difficulties and the pressing on.  I’m concerned about disappointment, I hate finishing bad movies, diets, blog posts. I love beginnings I hate endings. I love starting new paintings, buying new clothes, implementing new ideas, first chapters and meeting new people. I’m a genesis addict, its easy for me to start; much more challenges to push through. What’s the solution?

Do the hard things. pushing through becomes a choice which is DEFINITLY OUT OF AN ARTIST’S COMFORT ZONE. We operate on feelings and inspiration.

For me, finish lines don’t have the same intensity as beginnings so they don’t have nearly the appeal, I’d rather start ten paintings then finish even one.  I don’t give endings the time and energy they deserve, that is a me problem and I need to work on this.  I’m terrified of disappointment and finality. I’d rather avoid a goodbye altogether then be awkward and disappointed with the outcome. But I can’t control the outcome, and what I learned this week is that finishing strong doesn’t mean tight control, but slow release. Like raising children to become young adults.  For artists’ , a strong finish is about learning to release, not holding on , not continuing to add more and more and more paint. It’s a looser grip, less paint, less brush strokes, a signature and a price tag. There is a lot more backing up to see and observe what small changes and adjustments can be made to finalize the details and then stop. Its sort of like death the true and final end and necessity in the cycle of life. There is an art to endings and I can learn it…I must learn it. There is a necessity to book covers and last pages, opening curtains and rolling credits, underpaintings and varnishes it completes something brings it full circle, closes the loop and ultimately the only thing that can truly leave an artist feeling a sense of satisfaction.  

My tip based on this past week figure out are you a beginning middle or end person. Once you know use it both to your advantage work through your weakest place by just keep going, you’ll be glad in the end even if it’s not the best art work in the gallery, even if its not in the gallery you can learn something even from the failed pieces.  

I’m letting Jesus be my exampleJ

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

I don’t know much about the Kentucky Derby. In fact I didn’t know anything about it except that it was a horse race until a few weeks ago when we were in Kentucky and happened to get a private tour of Churchill Downs by the President of Churchill Downs. We were in Kentucky for our daughters volleyball tournament and went to see “Churchill Downs” I had to look it up because I didn’t know what it was. It’s the entire facility and racetrack where the Kentucky Derby is held for the past 148 Years. So you can imagine our surprise when we were brought up to ‘millionaires row’, the lounge where Tom Brady and Gronk and other millionaires watch the race and then out to see the ‘Twin Spires”, those famous peeks that adorn the background of the Derby. It didn’t mean anything to me until I was there. (maybe that is how heaven will be for some people) After being there and learning about it of course I was all about this two and half minute, one and a quarter mile famous ride for thoroughbreds from around the world (since this is the first year Japan is entering a horse). “its a two week long party and festival” for a two minute long race. I’m not betting but I will be watching May 5 and 6. I feel thankful that we were privy to a private tour by the president, Thanks Mike and I was inspired to paint the horse that happened to be running the track when we visited. Maybe he’ll win and you’ll definitely see more horses in my future artwork, because I was truly inspired.

My teacher always says, while walking back and forth evaluating our desperately needy paintings, “is there a sense of light and space?” for months she has been saying this. I am aware of shadows and light and always add these things into my art, but i add not because I truly understand. I have been oblivious to what she means by this, even while being able to replicate it frequently. Until it dawned on me. I was looking at my cat and decided to do a quick sketch of her in her bed next to the window. It was a quick simple sketch with almost zero details and it dawned on me, if i get the light areas in, it will give the correct and accurate space. and it did! i was able to capture the cat in the bed just by adding the light areas and the dark around the light. In fact i sort of left the light, it created the space i was looking for and the details were a side thing. It’s not the details that add interest, it’s not the details that make a painting , “good” its the light. If you have no light in your painting, you lose the audience, you lose the image it becomes muddy and uninteresting, it doesn’t make sense, where are the lines where does one thing end where is the “space”? Now i realize, that is exactly what is so appealing to me about everything that catches my eye, its the light. If I can understand the light I can find what is interesting about a picture and I can understand what makes a painting, even a not so great painting, actually quite riveting, if the light is right. Its funny that on occasion i was able to capture this idea in my paintings because i would draw or paint what i saw and that meant transferring the light to my painting but i didn’t understand what i was doing. and had a difficult time with still life or plein air painting. We are good at copying but it takes understanding to bring life to the images we want to recreate.

Every Light has a shape. Every shadow has a shape. when you get the light right everything else works in a painting and drawing.

Jesus said He is the light of the world. I’m Thinking about getting the light right, I’m thinking about light as creating space in my life. I’m Thinking about light as being the thing that creates interest and appeal and draws people in. The bible says Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added to me. What makes my life so interesting to others? what repels them? When we get Jesus “right” in our lives everything else just works. It doesn’t have to be the Mona Lisa, it can be an average life or an average circumstance, or an average piece of artwork, but people want to keep looking at it and they don’t know why. It works because Jesus is there in accurate proportions. The very first thing that God created was light. As the greatest artist ever, that was His first choice, He got the light in there to give space and meaning and life to everything else. He oriented the whole picture to the light. We cannot underestimate light in our artwork, neither in our spiritual lives. How often we think because we are parroting what we have been taught we understand what we are doing? How often do we have a wrong understanding of Christ and therefore nothing seems to “work”? He is the Light get him into your life and it will be radiant with beauty even while imperfect.

I’m just saying pay attention to the Light and your art will improve.

This is an oil on canvas of my daughter, a photo I had taken of her when we went to lunch at a little Italian place not far from where we live. Behind her was a wall size murial of Italy. it’s one of my first and favorite oil paintings!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Then there’s this guy who has painstakingly and lovingly preserved an ideal American culture with its values and virtues through his paintings and artwork.

“I paint life as I would like it to be”

Norman Rockwell.

I highly recommend his page turning autobiography “my adventures as an illustrator” which detail his fascinating life story and describe many of his paintings.